I’ve been alive for 27 years. These years have been filled with a lot of pain, suffering, questioning, and conflict. Honestly, I had moments where I didn’t know how long I would survive on this planet. Part of me is really shocked and surprised by who I’ve become, and I mean this in the best way possible. I personally have exceeded my wildest dreams, and I’m living the best life I ever thought I could. No one could have prepared me for the life that I’m living right now. And I am beyond incredibly grateful to exist in this body that I’m in. It is the sacred vessel by which I am able to experience all life has to offer.
A year ago, I was really suffering. I felt isolated and alone, and I was in the midst of pretty severe rejection from my family, and I really struggled to accept the reality that I was living in. Denial was my best friend at the time. Denial helped to keep me safe from the reality of the immense pain and trauma that I was experiencing at the time. It also helped to protect me from the immense trauma and pain that I had experienced my entire life. There were things my subconscious mind was protecting me from that I wouldn’t have been able to handle at that time.
Also a year ago, I identified as a Christian. If you would have asked me this time last year, if I would be a Christian for my whole life I would have told you absolutely yes, without a doubt. But so much has changed this year. And I am beyond grateful. I have p
I really feel that I’ve embodied the concept of the TRANScendent Phoenix. I found myself surrounded by the remnants of my life. The world that I knew, had completely been swept out from underneath me. I felt hopeless and tragically alone in my suffering. Going through this pain represented the death of my old self. Everything that I had known about myself and about the world had to be taken away from me for me to fully embrace who I really am and embrace this universe for what it really is. The universe has been guiding me and helping to shape me into the person that I am today. I wasn’t really even aware that was going on because in those moments where I felt like everything was falling apart everything was actually falling into place.
Surrounded by the ashes of my former life there was a spark of vibrancy and passion that was within me. And I, guided by the universe, was able to reignite that spark into a flame. And from that flame arose a brand new Phoenix that is joyful, vibrant, and majestic. I now know that this is just the beginning of my life as I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.
I’m more hopeful now than I used to be. I don’t worry as much about the unknown, and I’m excited about the opportunities that the universe has in store for me. I am trusting in forces that are greater than myself to help guide me to where I need to go. I trust my intuition to help lead me to my passion so that I can live out my divine purpose here on earth. I know that I’ve been called for something greater, and the thing is, we’ve all been called to something greater. The thing is, I’m listening to the call because I can’t ignore it anymore. There’s just too much to live for and too much to hope for and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. It doesn’t mean that my life is perfect or every moment is blissful. That would be unrealistic. However, I am able to transmute my pain and struggles into something useful and uplifting.
I’m so happy that I’ve been able to start my medical transition this past year. I was nervous about taking hormones but it has helped me feel more comfortable in my body on a consistent basis. I am so grateful that I was able to get top surgery this past year. My body, heart, and soul are so happy living in the skin that I’m in now. I’ve said that getting top surgery was a massive gift to myself and I feel the reality of that every single day. I just get to exist in this body that is trans and beautiful, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I’m now more confident in my identity as a non-binary person. I’m allowing myself to embrace my masculinity as much as I want to and also to embrace my femininity. I love that I have this opportunity to cultivate my androgyny and to understand what that means for me. I am allowing myself to play around outside of the binary of male or female and to see what experiences resonate with me the most.
I feel like life is one big experiment. You get to learn new things and we get to get to try new things. Sometimes things work and sometimes things don’t work. Once you figure it out, things just get a little easier. I felt like some of the reason why this year was so hard was that I had a lot to figure out so much about myself and now I see myself so clearly. At the same time, I’m open to the possibility that I don’t know anything at all! That is freedom. True freedom
All the things that I know feel like a gift from God. All the things that I’ve learned this year feel like such a unique blessing and I really am overwhelmed by the greatness of the universe and I really find myself speechless sometimes. When I think about all the things that I’ve learned over this past year in the ways that I’ve grown I realize I have so many people to be grateful for this year. My wife has been there for me through all the ups and downs and she gets to see me living my most vibrant truth. I’m also grateful to my clinical support team, my therapist, and my psychiatrist to have helped me in my mental health journey. I’m thankful for my coach, Crystal Lynn who is teaching me what it means to fully embrace my identity as a spiritual coach and to help guide me in the direction of being able to help other people find all the beauty that I’ve been able to find over this year.
The thing is I don’t know what this next year has for me, but I have a feeling this is going to be one of the best years I’ve ever had. The possibilities really are endless. And embracing those possibilities is one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done.
Here’s to you 27-year-old Mav. Let’s see what you got.