The Pressure To Conform
Walking back into work after top surgery felt amazing. I’ve been able to just be free. When I catch myself in the reflection of a framed picture as I walk through the halls of the residential building where I work I no longer have that sinking feeling in my belly or the familiar sensation of numbness that I cultivated while when I still had my breasts. I chose to have this surgery because I wanted to be freer in my own body. I also wanted other people to see me in the way that I see myself. Top surgery was one way that I could get a little bit closer to that. I find myself, however, as a transmasculine person really pushing against the pressure to conform to what a masculine-presenting black person should be. I get this feeling that I should tone myself down. I should be a little bit less flamboyant and act less ‘gay’. I shouldn’t gesture my hands as much and Should defiantly not move my head and neck the way I do when I talk. I think about my voice and feel the pressure to throw my voice a little bit lower when talking to people.
But maybe, just maybe, it’s okay for me to just be myself and talk the way that I normally talk and do the things that come naturally to me. No one has walked up to me and said that I needed to be more masculine or tone myself down, But at the same time, I feel the pressure of society wanting me to conform to something that makes more sense.
The thing is, is that I’m not a man, and I’m not a woman. Even if part of me presents typically masculine that doesn’t mean anything about the person I should be allowed to be. I sometimes feel like I should make myself easier to comprehend but I truly don’t want to do that.
I want to be myself
I want to be exactly who I am.
I realize that I no longer have time to give a shit about what people think about me. TO be honest, I know that if I continue to carry myself the way that I carry myself, I will continue to get misgendered, especially by cishet people. It’s just a fact. It’s just going to happen. There’s nothing that I can do to fucking change that. Nothing. No matter how hard I try, people are still going to misgender me because of my face, my voice, and my mannerisms. It’s just the way that it is. I had to be honest with myself and realize that the majority of people that I interact with in my life are never going to gender me correctly without me telling them. It’s just a matter of fact.
Does that mean that I should stop being who I am? Sometimes I feel like I should if I’m honest. I feel like I should just shut up about being non-binary and just conform. these thoughts are fleeting because I am so much more than that.
You are so much more than that.
I know that this is hard but you can’t keep shoving yourself into these boxes that people want you to be in just because you’re scared of being misgendered. I know it’s hard to hear, but I had to tell myself the same thing. We can’t keep living in fear. We can’t continue to sustain the pain and agony of fear. I want you to be whoever the fuck you are, and to not give a shit if people don’t gender you correctly. Well, the thing is, you’re gonna give a little bit of a shit for a moment.
There are emotions that arise within us when we hear a pronoun that isn’t ours. I know what it feels like to get misgendered and it does not feel good. That doesn’t mean that we get to live in fear and get to hide who we are. We can’t let fear do that to us. We are beautiful creatures. We deserve to be loved and cherished for exactly who we are.
No more, no less.
You don’t have to be anything less than who we are. We shouldn’t have to be anything more than who we are. Period. A lot of me is sick and tired of hearing trans people feeling victimized by culture. Please don’t understand this to mean that I don’t understand the pain of not being seen and understood; I know that it’s hard. As I make this message right now, I know that by tomorrow, I might feel really upset because of someone who misgendered me and I’m still gonna stand by this message.
We deserve to be free.
But, this freedom isn’t free. This freedom comes with a price. The price is grappling with and facing fear. I assure you it is a price worth paying. The risk is worth taking. The loss is worth enduring in order for us to be our truest selves. You don’t need to be anything else except for exactly who you are in this very moment. The body you have right now is worth fully loving.
Let that sink in.
There’s nothing more that I would love to see than trans and GNC people all over the world living vibrantly in their truth. Not ashamed of who they are not shoved into boxes to be the way that they’re ‘supposed’ to be.
No more.
I’m done. I hope you are done too.