Fear.
It’s a powerful force. Fear has kept me from doing so many things in my life. I am choosing today to be free from fear.
Fear has kept me in the closet for most of my life. I knew I was queer but I was told I would go to hell if l let that be true so I tried to hide it. I tried to change it for a long time but was never successful. When I figured out I couldn’t change it, I buried it underneath the guise of religious superiority. I became the most Christlike Christian I could be, hoping that my devotion to God would allow me to enter the gates of heaven despite my queerness.
I continued to knowingly lie to myself and the ones I loved the most because I was taught it was the right thing to do.
I was horribly wrong.
It turns out that deceiving yourself and others in this way is bound to cause immeasurable pain which I discovered the hard way. Living your life while hiding parts of yourself is not a sustainable way to live. I found myself crippled by mental health issues and grew incredibly hopeless. I had to reach a breaking point where I realized something in my life was going to have to change or I wouldn’t survive. I had to let go of my idea of what it meant to be a ‘good Christian’ and step outside of my comfort zone. Doing this led me to Amanda 🥰
Meeting my amazing wife Amanda was like finding an oasis of love and acceptance in the harsh, isolating, and unforgiving desert that was my life. With her, I was finally able to be my fullest self. I no longer had to hide the parts of me that I felt weren’t worth showing to others. I was able to explore my gender identity and She was incredibly supportive when I came out as non-binary transgender.
Fear had continued to weasel its way into my life, even after experiencing freedom. I was so terrified about what others would think of my gender. I knew all the religious arguments against transgender identity and was terrified to experience further rejection from loved ones. I had to act in spite of the fear and faced plenty of rejection for it.
The majority of Christians I have interacted with are not kind to the LGBTQ+ community and THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. This should set a fire in your soul. The fact that I and so many other queer children will turn to suicidal ideation because of their sexuality or gender identity should cause you to weep. I am grateful to have found communities of faith who are changing this narrative (shout out to my Tabernacle United Church family! Y’all have been a beacon of hope throughout the past few years). It is because of those communities that I have hope for the future.
Another thing that fear kept me from doing was rethinking my beliefs about God. As a fundamental Christian, this was a BIG no-no. Even when I came out I often was told things like ‘well, as long as you are still a Christian, I’m good. This sends pretty strong messages about what is ok and what isn’t. After getting some distance from fundamentalism and moving towards a more deconstructionist Christianity I felt a massive sense of relief. My world began to get a lot bigger. I began to remove a lot of the blinders that had been placed on me since my youth.
I continued to analyze my faith and did not stop until I felt peace in my soul. I will say that this had been the most liberating and eye-opening process I have ever gone through. I am at a place now where my beliefs about God can no longer be contained by any formal religion. I have more questions about life now than I ever have and I am no longer afraid of them. I no longer need answers. I am just here to learn and experience God in the most vibrant way possible.
I can finally sing the words of this worship song I used to sing at church with complete confidence and certainty.
“I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God”
I had been enslaved by fear for far too long. There may be others who read this who are tired of being burdened by the weight of fear and wish to be free. I am here to say that the journey might be lonely, feel impossible, and may seem like it’s not worth the pain and struggle, but oh baby!! Come taste and see ❤️